Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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