70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
