My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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