She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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