Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
