There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize