She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
