come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
