Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
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