I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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