if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
