do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
