Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
