Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
