Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
