He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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