what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
