Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
