sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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