my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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