It's Friday. Sex?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
