there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
