Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
