Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
