Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
