i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
