i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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