There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
