Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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