Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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