What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
