So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
