oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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