Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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