i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
