I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
