Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
