2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize