kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
