I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
