she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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