I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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