dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
