Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
