I think my vagina is haunted
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
