my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
