hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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