Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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