Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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