Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
