I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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