it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
