We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
