Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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