Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
