This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
