Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
