Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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